The Wildest True Story Ever

Alright, usually I try to write stuff that tickles the mind, but not today. Today I will tell you the weirdest true story that can actually happen when you are sitting at home in Walnut on a Wednesday night in the middle of July.

So I've pretty much been using my laptop outside in the living room where the fire place is, cause my room is too small it becomes a sauna in the summer. At night my parents turn off the a/c so I gotta migrate to a large room where I can open the windows to air my pits. Anyways I'm sitting in the living room, and I keep hearing this tiny crunching sound. I think it's coming from the stack of wood my mom keeps next to the fireplace that she never burned in the winter (my mom loves to use the fireplace, and yes she burns real wood - global warming but don't worry we recycle a lot). Anyhow, I'm looking at this stack of wood, and for the last few days I keep imagining these crunching noises coming from it. Tonight on July 14, well 15th cause it's 2 am, I get up to check and long behold I see a lil pile of wood dust at the bottom. What is that you ask, well I know, it's fucking TERMITES. This is because my house has been fumigated before, along with my entire street because these little bitches eat every piece of wood they can get a hold of, no homo.

So here I'm sitting.. thinking about what the fuck to do with a pile of wood at 2 am that is being eaten by termites. I could throw it away in the Green garbage can where all trees and shrubs go, but I think those little critters might scheme and concoct some sort of prison escape and continue eating wood. I think of the next best plan..... Light the fireplace. Here I run away to cool off, to only end up turning on the fireplace.

There is already a bunch of wood in the fireplace, so I have to burn that first before I can burn the little bitches. After burning what was a pretty big pile in the span of 15 minutes, I prepare my feast of barbeque insects. The pile of wood is large enough to take up the entire fireplace, so I pick it up and hurl it all in. The fireplace is already burning hot and here I am right in front of it trying to stack all the wood inside so it would all burn at once. I finally manage to fit all the wood in, and pretty soon the fire is so crazy I could feel the energy emitting out towards me. This fire is fucking HUGE.

Then it hits me.. what the fuck am I doing. How stupid would I be if I burned the house down, in the middle of July, by using the fireplace. I end up running back and forth with a giant vase throwing water on this inferno trying to keep it under wraps so that my house doesn't burn to the ground. I am sweating my balls off at this point, it looks like I just took a shower. A whole hour of wood burning later, FINALLY, the wood is mostly burnt and the fire starts to die.

But now I'm pretty mad at my mom. Doesn't she know that fumigating the house sucked ass, cause we had to move out all our clothes and shiet to go live at a hotel for a few days only a few miles away. Then a few years later she sents a facebook invite to all the termites to come have a party again at our house. I wanna tell her about what I just did, the whole debacle.. only my mom isn't home. Where is my mom at 3 am on July 15h. My mother is on a plane, flying to...... NORTH CAROLINA. I really hope your laughing at this point, cause I even can't believe how this story is coming along. So now I'm waiting because in about 30 minutes at 4 am I can call my mom when her plane lands in North Carolina (her friends have a house out there and their going to vacation up and down the east coast for the next two weeks) at 7 am eastern time.

Well.. there you have it, that's the story I had to blog about because it was so damn interesting.

-boomb00m