The Obstacle is the Way

The Architect

The INTJ: Introverted, Intuitive, Thinking & Judgement. That's a big hook. Apparently male INTJs make up for 3% of the world population. Apparently their greatest challenge in this world is the unification of their mind and heart. They spend so much time in the dimensions of logic and reason that they so easily ignore the leap of faith it takes to have unvarnished love. 

But love isn't logical. It takes an INTJ explicit evidence to rationalize and believe in any feelings for love. That takes time. That takes vetting the data that comes in. The Thinking part of the INTJ is weaker in the realm of feels. They understand the definition of the various emotions, but the FEELING itself is hard to manage and control for an INTJ.

The feelings are so intense that it fogs and obfuscates the thinking portion of the INTJ. It drains them. It's too unfamiliar. It's too illogical. The inexperienced INTJ who has yet to incorporate their feelings will attempt to reject them. They have a flight or fight response to love, it's so foreign. Better the devil you know than the devil you don't, some would say.

But how does one become an INTJ?

I have feelings that are tied to really painful memories. I have seen my own mother attempt to take her own life. I have seen my own frantic father pry the pills from her mouth. I have heard my mother guilt trip my siblings that she'll kill herself if we don't love her. I have seen my brother, who has the rawest heart I know, slowly try to kill himself with drugs.

I have seen what the absence of love does to the human condition with my own fucking eyes and it's no Disneyland. I can't speak for other people and how they deal with their emotions, but me and my emotions? We got history, baby. Love came with too much pain for me. I ignored my emotional development but it's coming back to bite me. 

"The body keeps the score" - Dr. Bessel van der Kolk

The Obstacle

I have been crying. My body has needed it. I have needed it. I needed to hug myself. To fill my own cup. I put on this mask where I only wanted to be kind and make others comfortable, but I would chip at my own morality to make others comfortable. I wasn't living for myself, and if I want to offer the best version of myself to others, I need to work on my own foundation.

I'm not ignoring my past anymore. People say you have to move on, but I lean towards the philosophies of Carl Jung; the integration of the Shadow self. He teaches that if you do not work on integrating your shadow self, your flaws become your permanent features. For every flaw I see in man I see in myself. For every spark of anger that arises from the actions of others, I become more cognizant of my own hypocrisy.

I must travel through Dante's Inferno to explore the demons I gave birth to. The ones that hold me back. The triggers. I have to untie all the knots that block my memories. I have to redefine and reframe the way I perceive emotions and how to deal with them. I don't want to just pretend with a mask. I am rewriting and rewiring my source code, and you can only do that by going inward. The Kingdom of Heaven is within us, after all.

"What's in the way is the way" - Eckhart Tolle