I'm not addicted to games, I'm addicted to keeping my brain busy. I'm not addicted to drugs, I'm addicted to muting my thoughts. When the logic is muffled, the heart gets to take the driver's seat. My heart has not taken front stage in a long time. My brain needs to rest; my heart needs to breath. But I cut my heart off from the brain when things got too hard. My heart was still a child when I left it behind. I am the strictest father to a son who deeply needed compassion.
When I'm stressed, I become selfish, controlling, and narcissistic. The worst attributes of an OCD, perfectionist-workaholic comes to light.
When I'm not stressed, the potential for the best version of myself gets to come out. Being more empathetic, patient and understanding. Keyword: potential.
My default flight or fight behavior is to shut out my emotions and follow the path of least resistance. A dimmed life experience where excitement and emotions can only come out from extreme highs or extreme lows. A dimmed emotional existence only FEELS when experiencing extremes of either side of the spectrum. I believe this might be the root for bipolar like behaviors and symptoms. At our lowest, we seek chaos and destruction. At our greatest heights, we appreciate the structure and ride the wave.
When I'm not stressed, I externalize. When I am stressed, I internalize. I recognize I slip away into the background when I feel the need to work on something until completion. I am too critical of myself. When I feel there is something I can improve on, I will rage a civil war in my head until I resolve it. Everyone around me becomes collateral damage; my objective becomes the #1 priority in life. Trauma in my childhood home taught me that I couldn't rely on people to solve my problems. To carry the burden of life on your shoulders alone is a very hard life. I'm not dismissing that there have been and there are currently beautiful people in my life that help guide me in the right direction. I'm learning to externalize my appreciation to them, and I'm learning to share the good and the bad.
When I experience problems I have no control over, I lie to myself. My problems are insignificant, I need to focus on bigger problems. I would say, "Fuck the leaves, there are bigger problems in the forest. Go back to your room, Phu, and play with your toys like the child you are." But if the cancer starts at the leaves, I need to focus on the leaves before it infects my perspective on the trees and the forest. If the roots to my trees have no foundation, the perspective on the forest will never have structure. What are instincts when you cut out the memory and context that built them?
In my life, I have experienced many low moments that cloud the color of reality. When I subconsciously reach in and pull out a memory, it's usually something negative. Truthfully, I have experienced many blessings in my life and I need to learn to balance that. I've only been painting in black and ignoring the colors.
I'm unlocking doors in my memory that I chose to lock away. I'm learning to give that kid a hug so he can finally relax.
"People say I'm hard to pet" - Theo Von
"Happiness is a Dobermann" - Dickie Roberts: Former Child Star
P.s. If I'm in a bad mental, I won't laugh at dick jokes. When I'm in a good mental, I will suck your dick.
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