It may be cliche, but I suppose I've wrestled with those questions a great deal of my life. Wrestled with ideas like destiny or nihilism. Nitpicked religion and the dogma in science. Came to conclusions like wanting children because they inspire ego death.
I've come to accept it all, or at least I'm trying to. It helped me a lot by recognizing the idea of infinity and my place in it.
Just me and the trees, the forest and the leaves. A piece of the Mandelbrot, and I'm okay with that.
There's going to be people poorer than me, richer than me. Cooler than me, geekier than me. Dumber, smarter, skinnier, fatter, prettier, uglier, meaner, nicer.
I aim to wake up with love and not violence. I aim to find balance.
I forget what podcast I was listening to, and whether the guest was Gabor Mate or Jordan Peterson, but they made a statement that was so powerful to me. "A person who dealt with trauma lives in a landscape of good and evil."
After I almost lost my brother to heroin, my world was consumed by good and evil. Actions spoke louder than words to me; it's either you do or you don't. All the words used to define why you "don't" was bullshit to me. You do or you don't. My life became black and white..
Watching our family dynamic devolve my brother to such dependency on heroin destroyed my soul. Being manipulated and gaslighted by my brother destroyed my soul. Watching the bright and joyous face of my brother love bombing me and realizing it was hollow because the heroin he injected finally kicked in destroyed my soul. Seeing the brightness from my brothers face transform before my eyes into a crying and agonizing sadness begging me to drive him to Newark to help him pick up drugs or else he might kill himself because he doesn't feel loved, it became Tuesday.
It became a joke to me. It wasn't. It fucked me up. I didn't offer my trust to people so freely anymore. I recognize that now.
Life isn't black and white. I knew that but I lost track of it. I took a back seat and chose the path of least resistance. I simplified the world to 1s and 0s. But the scale you choose is the scale you live by.
I'm unbinding the knot I shackled my soul behind, but it's hard for me to approach. I built a lot of "protective" measures without realizing it, and I think it'll be a while for me to recognize and find them all. But I find that the more I deal in the memories that hurt me so much, the more I'm able to find peace again.
And recognize my place in infinity.
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