Limited Time

It's cliche for me to say your time on earth is limited. But sometimes we get so caught up in the moment or get sidetracked that we don't make the most of our time while we are here. I know that I am definitely guilty, since I like spending a lot of my free time doing nothing.

However, sometimes we are reminded that our time is limited. Unfortunately for me, I was reminded recently with the passing of an acquaintance. I took Vietnamese for my foreign language in college since I wanted an easy A and plus my Spanish sucks. I was paired up with a group that included 2 girls. I can't say I talked to her much or we got super close. We just simply worked on it and I had 2-3 more quarters of Vietnamese with her. That was around 2008? 2009?

Well, I saw on Facebook a few weeks back that this girl I sort of knew got the flu and it took her life. It's just weird to see someone so young pass away. And from the flu as well. I was sad hearing the news and from what I remember she was a super hard working girl.

I was going through my contacts today deleting people from my phonebook and I saw her name.. I had forgotten I ever had it and it was such a reality check. One moment you're here and the next you're not. And I need to do more with the time I am here. Rest in peace My Tran.

11:11

11:11 am.. 11:11 pm.. As I type this - it is one minute before 11:11.. Which means it's time to make a wish. 11:11? Make a wish, I'm sure you've heard it before. And it's not like it means anything or that I seriously believe my wish will come true. It's just a silly habit of mine that I still do when I see those magic numbers. But 11:11 also reminds me of her. I always texted and reminded her when it was time to make a wish. Not only did I want my wish to come true, but hers as well. Eventually, I even got her to remind me when the clock hit 11:11. And so what began as a silly gesture became a reminder of what I once had.

I am reminded every day. Some days are better than others, and some worse. My wishes were silly and farfetched. Become a celebrity, win the lottery, teach my dog Merlin how to drive a car. And before I knew it my farfetched wishes became more serious. I wished for a time machine, a reset button, a way of undoing how things turned out. Something I always did for fun wasn't fun anymore.

Through the process I have grown, I have cried, and I have faced inner demons. And it kills me that I can't move on. My inability to forget the past haunts me daily. The best part of dating is having someone to share everything with, which is also the worst part of dating when it ends. You share your passions, your favorite donut, intimacy. A simple thing such as a song on the radio can ruin your day.

And life goes on. You feel like shit but in the morning you still have to get out of bed. You feel like there's no hope but hope is what keeps you going. Days turn into months, months turns into years and slowly getting out of bed isn't as bad. You're feeling great and then out of the corner of your eye you see it.. 11:11. Fuck. Life goes on.

Reminders

It's hard to forget when the little reminders are everywhere. I've been trying to move on, yet I am reminded daily of the one that I lost. Everywhere I turn, everywhere I look. I am trying but it's unavoidable and I just have to take it and keep going no matter how I feel. That's what sucks.

Inanimate Objects

It's funny how some things you own have so much meaning behind them. A pair of shoes for instance. I was looking at my Kobe basketball shoes. If anyone saw them they'd just see a fancy pair of shoes - they might comment how cool or ugly they are. To me I think wow I'm about to start my second season of basketball with them. When I first got them.. This and that was happening in my life. I was so happy and there was so much joy at that point. Everything you own can hold some sort of sentimental value. To others it's just shoes, to me they were a bridge between me and the person I was a few months ago.

Equal Reaction

Things I've learned the past few months:
- It takes the same amount of courage to push yourself to do something as to stop yourself from doing something. Actually now as I write this it's harder to stop yourself from doing something then it is to do something.
- I still don't know when to use 'then' and when to use 'than' - This I still need to learn
- 2009 to 2015 is 6 years. In that time I became content with it just being me.
- Life goes on whether you want it to or not. Embrace the present, don't dwell on the past or it will drag you down. Always look towards the future.
- I hate Panda Express
- Sadness is poison. If you let it linger it will consume every part of your life. I hurt. I cry. I move on.

Reach

Don't reach too far. Know your limits and don't overstep your boundaries. I at times have reached too far. I mean results were bad but aren't you supposed to reach as far as you can? Or is there a limitation you should have realized along the way and stopped yourself. I guess I was always one to push the limits and see how far I could go. I prefer not living a safe life but one filled with umph.

Music

Been kind of bummed out and any chance I get I've just been listening to music. Mainly on Pandora, music is the language of life. It conveys every emotion, and can intensify or dilute what you are feeling. If you are happy and you listen to an upbeat song it makes you even happier. If you are sad and you listen to a slow song than maybe you wouldn't be dancing anytime soon. However mix those up and you can go from happy to contemplative or sad to happy.

Music is so powerful. Thank you music.